The past few years had been somewhat internally turbulent, as I navigated the rough waters of deep relationship anxiety. In general, overwhelming anxiety and sensitivity to stress seemed to be a theme in my life, even as a child (despite my loving family). Throughout the years, it would present itself by latching on to different themes. I was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explained a lot of my anxious struggles.
In adulthood, my main source of anxiety was related to dating and discernment of marriage. Each time I dated someone, it was the same pattern: I would find myself falling into a fearfully analytical mode and unable to freely discern what my heart was saying. On every date, I felt I was trying to determine if my date was going to be my future husband, instead of simply being present and enjoying their company. Ultimately, I was so afraid of making the wrong choice in a husband, and that if I missed a red flag and married “the wrong person,” my life would be ruined forever. In addition, I was also terribly afraid of leading someone on if I didn’t feel one hundred percent certain about them.
I found myself holding back from taking steps in commitment in case I were to break their heart someday. The combination of these fears led me to feeling I was too anxious to continue dating each man I tried to date, and ending relationships due to drowning in anxiety. I struggled to see where Jesus was leading me. I wondered if I would ever be able to get married with this block in my mental health. However, in prayer, Jesus always assured me He was doing something new, and to keep trusting Him.
Eight months into dating my now-husband, Nathan, I still struggled with the same pattern of anxiety from the beginning of our relationship. But the Lord continuously gave me the word that this time, He wasn’t going to let me drown. The Lord gently and repeatedly brought up Isaiah 43:1-2:
“But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.” (NRSVCE)
Although I continuously battled anxious thoughts, Jesus continued giving me enough grace to move forward in the relationship. This grace often looked like “God winks” that pertained to my and Nathan’s relationship (unexplainable coincidences that affirmed Jesus was leading us), as well as simply anxiety-free days where I could clearly see how healthy and good our relationship was (which I had never experienced in previous relationships).
That advent, I was reading devotions that were themed on the Good Shepherd and found myself surrounded by sheep in Ireland while I was visiting my sister and her sweet family. One day, the devotion encouraged me to meditate on an image of the Good Shepherd holding a sheep on His shoulders. I felt a profound peace as I pictured myself as the sheep, sitting on Jesus’ shoulders. It felt deeply restful when I realized I did not need to figure anything out or do anything except let Him carry me where I needed to be. On his shoulders, I realized I did not need to make sure I married the “right person”, because Jesus would take care of that. It was scary to let go of control, but such a profound relief, realizing He knew my heart better than I did. Surrendering my heart and relationship to Jesus was, in fact, the safest thing I could do.
Over the next months, as we continued to walk in discernment of marriage, the stormy waters of fear swirled around me, but each time I pictured myself on the shoulders of the Good Shepherd, my heart would settle. I knew that Jesus would lead me to clarity and peace in His way and His time. My internal prayer would sound something like this:
“Jesus, I feel like I can’t trust my own anxious brain sometimes. But I know You are trustworthy, and that You have a good plan for me. So I choose to rest on Your shoulders, trusting you will bring me where I need to go.”
During that summer, I felt a new clarity and peace settle over me. I continued to pray to the Good Shepherd and talk often with my spiritual director. I also began to work with exposure therapy, practice daily deep-breathing, and was patiently waited for by my sweet future husband. My spiritual director helped me to use Ignatian discernment to determine that my relationship with Nathan was consistently a source of consolation (the fruit of the spirit), but the anxious lies in my brain about our relationship was what brought desolation and confusion (the fruit of the enemy).
Over the last 9 days of August, I decided to complete the “Surrender Novena” by Don Dolindo Ruotolo as a final act of discernment before giving Nathan my green light for engagement. On day one, I searched up the Surrender Novena on my Hallow app, and the image assigned to the novena made me weep: the Good Shepherd carrying a lamb on His Shoulders, wading through water. Jesus was reminding me that He was both keeping me above the waves and was carrying me where I needed to be.
(Image from Hallow, Inc.)
The past six months since getting married have been one of the most healing, peaceful and anxiety-free seasons of my life. But life is never without stress of some kind. I have found that whenever concerns or uncertainties of any nature arise, I can come back to the meditation of sitting on the shoulders of the Good Shepherd. Deep peace flows knowing He will carry me where I need to go.
Friends, I ask you these questions for reflection: is there an area of your life right now that is causing you relentless anxiety or fear? Will you picture yourself on the shoulders of the Shepherd who longs to provide for all of your needs? Is there another image, such as Jesus keeping you afloat on the water, that resonates more specifically to you? Ask the Holy Spirit to inspire you with an image of peace.
If this type of prayer is interesting to you, you may want to learn more about Visio Divina:
Praying With Your Eyes: How to Get Started with Visio Divina